Beckoning me back from the obscure fringes of my adventurous
paths, I would welcome back the city and its splendors, resting my
travel weariness inside her as she breathed new life into me with her
chaos and indifference; both of us filled to the brim with one
another and simultaneously lost in the fluttering
golden light. Marvels in our own right, ones of evolution, progress, and
fusion.
It takes a certain amount of daring to scrape the sky with the
earth, to house and cast away the hordes of life's refugees crushing
themselves at your ports for a glimpse of your cold and marbled groves of
luminescent pines. It takes a certain amount of daring to be so
impetuous, moving through the world like a whisper, sweeping in and
out; inevitably just another discorded footprint on time's relentless
march. The city has always been a fascination and a terror, breeding a
deep duality within me; excitement and expression as well
as oppression and obscurity. Lending itself to hope and
indifference in a single instant.
In many ways I knew it was the end of an era, as Sydney and I sat
side by each, examining each others existence. It had been three
years of travel. Three years since my last footprint fell on home
soil and I had made myself dirty with the places of the world. And
now? I'm not sure just how I should feel, with the finality of so
much. Mostly I am afraid. Afraid that it will all fade, the lessons,
the love and the newness. I fear to be nothing but the nostalgic
shadow of just another women.
I am afraid I won't remember.
Remember how to hear the sounds of a soft shoe scuffle, the parade
of leather souls down cracked and beaten paths. Remember how to see
the stars, as I have again and again, as if for the first time.
Remember how to free my eyes, when the time comes, from those
perspectives that do not serve me.
Remember that we creator of all magic and the directors of our
dreams. That I can breath life into the narratives that I have lived.
Narratives of strength, endurance and perseverance. Of kindness,
insight, and a quest for commonality.
Remember that home is a place we carry in our heart and not a
destination. To be kind to ourselves in our moments of weakness, they
are fleeting and necessary.
Remember to be open to the possibility of all things and all
people.
To not be afraid. To never, ever let fear rob us of curiosity.
That all fear is a creation of the mind.
Will I remember that we are not just a summation of 'proofs', of things
you can put down on paper, awards you can hold, or deeds you can
count.That freedom is a mechanism of choice, not about having choices.
We don't have freedom, we choose it, in the deepest parts of us.
Travel has shown me these things and more. It has infused them in
my being, in each breath taken 'out there'. In each memory there is
so much joy and so much sadness its as if they wish to come to life,
infusing even the most banal moments with significance. It has also shown me loneliness. Shown me the pocket of silence
that exists in the long stretches of time between departure and
arrival, when attention is spare and suspect and the worlds
indifference crushing. When you will be lonely. Utterly,
despairingly, lonely. This is where it starts. This is the beginning what you really are. Every step after this
point is victory. This is when you begin to live by choice, not default.
Not all travel is running, but sometimes it is. Recognize the
difference. You cannot hide from those feelings or things about
yourself you feel are ugly or unwanted. Their denial feeds deep resentment. Root
it out. Understand what haunts you and face it. Call it out and sit
with it. Then let it go. Burn that ugliness with the light of
conscious awareness. You are infinite both in weakness and in
strength.
No one has any answers, though many have some very interesting
things to say. Listen first. Don't force yourself on others. If
they're worth the time they will ask.
Your greatest attribute is the beauty, joy and persistence that
comes from doing those things you are truly passionate about. For God
sakes, Try Everything Once,
you'll
never believe all the things there are out there that you don't
already know.
More people will love you, respect you, and do right by you than
will let you down. Let it go and move on.
Sleep when you're tired.
Eat when you're hungry.
Be here now and enjoy.
So goodbye Sydney, good bye road side cafe. Goodbye Moleskin
notebook forever in my pocket, goodbye long endless road that has
carried me for so long. So long love. Once again, I've got to go.
To follow my heart into to the world again is to know I still
haven't given up.
To quest on,
roll on,
feel on,
to go - all the way.
